Yesterday, all my toubles are so far away

Yesterday I had an important job-interview, one of those occasions that can really change your life. It will take a few months to learn if my life is in fact going to change or not but, regardless of the outcome, I was happy. Because I had a chance to present myself to such an important organization and because I realized that so many people are with me in so many ways. 

While on the train to the prestigious organization, I played with the pearls necklace my mother used to wear every day at college and which she gave to me as a present last Christmas. In our library at home, there´s a black and white picture of her holding me as a baby, wearing that necklace.

While mentally going through possible answers to possible questions, I started to nervously turning the ring I was wearing around my finger: a bulky silver spiral inspired by a staircase of one of Gaudi´s buildings in Barcelona, one of the many presents my lovely aunt brought me back from one of her many travels around the world.  

Pinned to my navy blue coat was the twin-cats-brooch my father got me a few years ago. He loves cats, as I do, and I could picture him taking a nap on the couch with our two feline family members cozily resting on his belly as two big furry doughnuts.

Already at 7 am I got a text from my personal cheerleader, my good friend who sometimes believes in me more than I do, and later a funny email from my good London mate, one of the very few who knew about the interview.

Another friend from my home country sent me an email wishing me a good time during my upcoming Asian weeks. He ignored that I had another focus prior to my departure, so I just asked him to send me good vibes. He asked at what time. I said between 9 and 12. He sent me an email at 10 reading “Thinking of you and concentrating for you”.

Later on, between one assessment phase and the other, to kill time while still trying to look professional, I started reading through my planner and realized how many great experiences I have made this year. How many beautiful people I have in my life. How incredibly better I am doing compared to this time last year. How very grateful I should be and I am.

To me, things are not important for their intrinsic value, but for the love, memory and affective worth they carry.

Yesterday I suddenly remembered that (dream job or not) I am a multi-zillioner.

crispy + fun

how I love shuffling my feet through autumn leaves!

Groupy

We are bold. We are shy. We are loud and vulnerable. Irritable, mediocre, achievers. We are straight to the point, with our mind in the clouds, we are passionate and don´t give a damn, we are hurt and full of ourselves. We ask questions.  We stay silent. We whisper, we are gossipy. We look into people´s eyes and lose our thoughts; we are foolish, eager to learn and put up a show.  We are emotional, we are filled up with the future, we are unconventional and sweet, detached, from another planet. We are delivering, we are doubting; we are questioning, eagerly looking for a balance. We are laughing. We are always looking for an answer. 

We are a group. We are individuals.

 

happy baby

While on the train heading back home, tonight, I was reading Stephen Elliot´s Daily Rumpus email, one of these little pleasures that you are given day by day and that you sometimes stupidly tend to ignore or take for granted. I got home, cooked some pasta (I very rarely do that) and ended up doing something I know it´s not good for your senses, digestion, soul and whatever else: I ate in front of my laptop, watching Stephen Elliott giving an interview about Adderall addiction. I thought that I really like the name Elliot and that, in case I end up having a child, one day, I would like to have a baby Elliot. After all, the name in some country is equally good for girls and boys which is very practical. Unfortunately in my country it would be exotic anyway, so my hypothetical child would end up having one of this tacky names that don´t hook up with any of the cultures I am directly connected to. But whatever: no child in sight, at the moment, so I can let my imagination run riot. After that and a sip of good red wine I thought that I like the simplicity, honesty and integrity with which Elliott writes. For sure it´s not Saul Bellow or Bertrand Russell, but this guy has the ability to grab your attention, tickle you with his words and just keep you there. Even when he talks about his girlfriend coming to the city and beating him up. I doubt I´ll ever be into the things he enjoys, but he puts things in a way that you just think...well...ok! 

And then I listen to this and the evening is just...ahhhhhh!  

“On a side note you can’t love without risk. Sometimes love is a terrible idea, except that it’s not an idea. Sometimes love leaves suddenly and it’s as if you were lying to the other person all this time, or they were lying to you. Sometimes you love someone and they don’t love you back the way you want to be loved back and you think if they’ll just hear your case, if you present the evidence before them as if in a court of law, they will concede to your argument and love you the way you love them, forever even, and then you both get to be happy. But that’s not how it works. You jump from the plane and hope your parachute opens. The other person is that parachute. If you can, jump over water, and from not too great a height. But what am I saying here? As if you had a choice; as if love was a conscious decision. As if, “But it will never work” was some kind of valid argument. I was just thinking about a girl I liked and so I thought I’d say that. I’m stupid with my affection.”

"You think you can't fix anything until you fix yourselves. Well, let me be the first to tell you, you will never fix yourself"

"She said does this make you happy. And I said, is that really the question? Drugs make me happy. I haven´t done ecstasy in 5 years or acid since high school. Does happiness really justify anything?"  

Stephen Elliott - chapeau to you.