Yesterday, all my toubles are so far away

Yesterday I had an important job-interview, one of those occasions that can really change your life. It will take a few months to learn if my life is in fact going to change or not but, regardless of the outcome, I was happy. Because I had a chance to present myself to such an important organization and because I realized that so many people are with me in so many ways. 

While on the train to the prestigious organization, I played with the pearls necklace my mother used to wear every day at college and which she gave to me as a present last Christmas. In our library at home, there´s a black and white picture of her holding me as a baby, wearing that necklace.

While mentally going through possible answers to possible questions, I started to nervously turning the ring I was wearing around my finger: a bulky silver spiral inspired by a staircase of one of Gaudi´s buildings in Barcelona, one of the many presents my lovely aunt brought me back from one of her many travels around the world.  

Pinned to my navy blue coat was the twin-cats-brooch my father got me a few years ago. He loves cats, as I do, and I could picture him taking a nap on the couch with our two feline family members cozily resting on his belly as two big furry doughnuts.

Already at 7 am I got a text from my personal cheerleader, my good friend who sometimes believes in me more than I do, and later a funny email from my good London mate, one of the very few who knew about the interview.

Another friend from my home country sent me an email wishing me a good time during my upcoming Asian weeks. He ignored that I had another focus prior to my departure, so I just asked him to send me good vibes. He asked at what time. I said between 9 and 12. He sent me an email at 10 reading “Thinking of you and concentrating for you”.

Later on, between one assessment phase and the other, to kill time while still trying to look professional, I started reading through my planner and realized how many great experiences I have made this year. How many beautiful people I have in my life. How incredibly better I am doing compared to this time last year. How very grateful I should be and I am.

To me, things are not important for their intrinsic value, but for the love, memory and affective worth they carry.

Yesterday I suddenly remembered that (dream job or not) I am a multi-zillioner.

crispy + fun

how I love shuffling my feet through autumn leaves!

Groupy

We are bold. We are shy. We are loud and vulnerable. Irritable, mediocre, achievers. We are straight to the point, with our mind in the clouds, we are passionate and don´t give a damn, we are hurt and full of ourselves. We ask questions.  We stay silent. We whisper, we are gossipy. We look into people´s eyes and lose our thoughts; we are foolish, eager to learn and put up a show.  We are emotional, we are filled up with the future, we are unconventional and sweet, detached, from another planet. We are delivering, we are doubting; we are questioning, eagerly looking for a balance. We are laughing. We are always looking for an answer. 

We are a group. We are individuals.

 

happy baby

While on the train heading back home, tonight, I was reading Stephen Elliot´s Daily Rumpus email, one of these little pleasures that you are given day by day and that you sometimes stupidly tend to ignore or take for granted. I got home, cooked some pasta (I very rarely do that) and ended up doing something I know it´s not good for your senses, digestion, soul and whatever else: I ate in front of my laptop, watching Stephen Elliott giving an interview about Adderall addiction. I thought that I really like the name Elliot and that, in case I end up having a child, one day, I would like to have a baby Elliot. After all, the name in some country is equally good for girls and boys which is very practical. Unfortunately in my country it would be exotic anyway, so my hypothetical child would end up having one of this tacky names that don´t hook up with any of the cultures I am directly connected to. But whatever: no child in sight, at the moment, so I can let my imagination run riot. After that and a sip of good red wine I thought that I like the simplicity, honesty and integrity with which Elliott writes. For sure it´s not Saul Bellow or Bertrand Russell, but this guy has the ability to grab your attention, tickle you with his words and just keep you there. Even when he talks about his girlfriend coming to the city and beating him up. I doubt I´ll ever be into the things he enjoys, but he puts things in a way that you just think...well...ok! 

And then I listen to this and the evening is just...ahhhhhh!  

“On a side note you can’t love without risk. Sometimes love is a terrible idea, except that it’s not an idea. Sometimes love leaves suddenly and it’s as if you were lying to the other person all this time, or they were lying to you. Sometimes you love someone and they don’t love you back the way you want to be loved back and you think if they’ll just hear your case, if you present the evidence before them as if in a court of law, they will concede to your argument and love you the way you love them, forever even, and then you both get to be happy. But that’s not how it works. You jump from the plane and hope your parachute opens. The other person is that parachute. If you can, jump over water, and from not too great a height. But what am I saying here? As if you had a choice; as if love was a conscious decision. As if, “But it will never work” was some kind of valid argument. I was just thinking about a girl I liked and so I thought I’d say that. I’m stupid with my affection.”

"You think you can't fix anything until you fix yourselves. Well, let me be the first to tell you, you will never fix yourself"

"She said does this make you happy. And I said, is that really the question? Drugs make me happy. I haven´t done ecstasy in 5 years or acid since high school. Does happiness really justify anything?"  

Stephen Elliott - chapeau to you.

The booted cat

Last Sunday I met a girl who said she really wanted to have a dog, but since she could not have a dog because she lives in a flat, she got a cat instead. Only, she is allergic to cats so she has now to take antihistamines every day to live with the feline.

Last Thursday I went out with a guy who said I judge people quickly because I said I could picture the kind of man who would wear a particular kind of boots. 

Now, I have a mind and it happens that I enjoy using it (though it seems a curse, sometimes, but that´s another story) and I find it utterly illogical -to use a euphemism- to ingest pills in order to own a pet that my body clearly rejects. Maybe I should add that I have a passion for cats and that I utterly loved horseback riding until I had to give it up after developping an allergy to horses. 

What I don´t get is how having an opinion on a pair of boots makes me a censorious moralizer. 

Wanna pet a cat while sneezing and wearing python glittery men boots? 

Please, go ahead!

give us today our daily bread

Stoned by the scent of banana and walnuts, I realized that I am neglecting my blog.
It´s just that my creativity is momentarily taking other forms.

Only temporary, obviously: I have been thinking about happiness, lately.
That´s what´s in the air.
...bis bald

Campodistelle

 

111 km. By car a trifle. On foot an experience.
I knew - I felt - it was going to be an adventure which would reward me of every bit of physical endeavour, I only ignored how. Now I know. 

The prize is a lightness of the heart, many, many, many sweet memories, a kick of self-confidence and a few dried-out blisters I show off with pride.

The pleasure is singing Bob Dylan aloud to the clouds of a Spanish sky with no one around, smiling your biggest smile, because, finally, you know that everything is ok.   

The enrichment is two amazing women and two great men who made me laugh to tears and believe again in the easiness of encounter and the pleasure of sharing, even if it´s only a few steps and a few days. Or a tight, infinite hug in a cathedral.  

The lesson is that happiness is within yourself, when you do what makes you happy, when you open up to the others, when you trust yourself to walk on a common ground, when you build a common ground, when you remind yourself that there is no point in fearing or eschewing the others because they have the same fears, the same hurt, the same uncertainties as you.

The value is humanity, beauty, nature, mysticism and inspiration. All for us. 

 

 

 

lil´red fruit on tour

The lil´red fruit leaves the busy world to dive into wild nature, a bundle of trails and gorgeous positive thoughts.

We restlessly run around struggling to achieve goals and figure things out but (before even putting my backpack on) something tells me that the true, profound meaning of it all is to be found in a blade of grass.

Talkin´ bout a revolution

A blogger whom I particularly like and whose reflections I find enthralling some time ago posted provocative suggestions on how to speed up the destruction process of our planet, considering that we are already doing a lot to reach that goal, but not yet enough. Among the mocking proposals were things like “buy the cheapest food at discount supermarkets” or “destroy all bicycles and travel only by car” or “buy your garments only at chain stores” or “get your electricity supply from providers which use nuclear power”.

Given that, though knowing him very little, I am utterly fascinated by the man´s ideas, that I enjoyed his post -both in content and style- and that I intimately agree with his irreverent tease, I cannot help but hearing a rational voice asking questions in return to his legitimate instigation.

I do strongly believe in the possibility of “saving our world” (hideous phrase) in the pivotal role of critical thinking and in the importance of individual responsibility. It´s not by coincidence that I am vegetarian, I don´t own a car, in the office I am known as the “eco-chick” and my upcoming vacation is going to see me hiking on a Spanish trail. 

But. 

There are several buts.

Firstly I don´t like that if you seem to "care for the future of the planet" you are demanded to fit into the eco-hippy box. That you are supposed to have a certain style, use - with NO exception – only organic products, even if some of them are objectively terrible, do certain sports but not others, like some kind of music, and – no doubt- claim that you unconditionally love Mother Earth. Unless, of course, you want to be frowned upon. 

Let´s assume that this is just my personal feeling, ok: no compelled organic-shapeless-clothing, I can play posh-tennis and can be disgusted by rats, right. Thanks.

What I don´t find a mere personal impression, however, is this diffused occasional simplistic way of analyzing problems. Like: oh yes, we all should consume less and recycle everything and eat only organic food  and grow our own tomatoes and sew our own clothes and ride our bikes everywhere. Yeah, ok, you got me: I am eager to grow my food and bike to work and recycle things and I am sick and tired of consumerism. But is it all really that easy, like “we” ecologically, responsible, smartasses understand it all and all others are only lazy, ignorant, unhealthy, irresponsible jackasses?! The league of lazy, ignorant, unhealthy, irresponsible jackasses is quite nurtured, yes, we all know that, but let´s just be a little more objective and sophisticated, please. 

Though it´s true that we are all manipulated by the relentless induced desires of buying things that neither we need nor actually make us happy and that if we all started to control our material desires just a little, we would probably have more resources to invest elsewhere, it is also true that there are many people who cannot afford to buy organic food at co-op stores. They don´t have time to go to the farmer to buy the freshly-layed eggs of a happy, happy hen. Caught into the system, many don´t have the privilege of knowing how to step out of it. Or maybe they know how to, but really cannot.

Moreover, if, for instance, we suddenly all stopped using cars, we would surely enjoy our cities more, we would have purer air to breathe and be less stressed. But how many people would suddenly lose their jobs? How many fathers unemployed and probably desperately worried of not being able to nurture their children?

If we all started baking our bread and became vegan (yay!) how many bakeries and animal farmers and factories would close down? If we all stated to buy our T-shirts at American Apparel and boycott the big chains (spoiler: the next sentence is really terrible) are we sure that the situation of the children or women working in poor conditions in India or Pakistan would suddenly automatically improve? Would it be better for them not to have that crappy job at all? 

Sometimes, meaning well yet not going deep enough, may even cause additional problems to the ones we are genuinely trying to solve. Do we, ecologically, responsible, smartasses think about this? Do we consider all the variables of a problem or only some of them? The ones that smooth our conscience easily, maybe?

The fact is that daydreaming about a better world is a much easier matter than actually struggle to find a way to get out of this destructive hamster-wheel. Don´t get me wrong: I utterly respect each and every tiny individual effort to make a difference. I am one of you: I stubbornly believe that somehow my pathetic recycling the back of printed paper in the office is a significant drop into the ocean. Yet, I am also very aware that critical thinking, individual responsibility and the belief that we can save the planet have to come to terms with reality.

We have to acknowledge that, as unhealthy, corrupt, self-destroying and disgustingly absurd our current system is, we cannot just jump off at the next bus stop.

In order to keep a sort of balance for “all” (a ridiculous “all”, since we westerners always speak from an egocentric, conceited blind viewpoint) the change is going to take an incredible amount of time, effort and sacrifice. 

I might have sounded like an inspiration-killer so far, sorry. Yet, I can tell you that, with eyes wide open, I myself lull into the words of one of my favorite authors, a truly extraordinary man, who - after really seeing it all - came to the conclusion that the only possible revolution is the one within ourselves.

So, fellow eco-conceited-wannabe-smartasses, let´s keep working!