words of the water

Sometimes - too often probably - I go around saying that I am lazy. But I have to really stop doing this because lazy I am not. I went to the swimming pool today; the last time I was there, it must have been three years ago. I just abandoned myself into the fresh water and the first lengths were quite hard, I was out of breath. Then I thought I would just count, giving myself time. I wanted to count until 50. One, two, breathe breathe, three, four, breathe breathe. So the fiftieth length came actually more quickly than expected and I decided I would be really proud of myself if I reached seventy. Which I did. 

So I am not lazy. 

And beneath the water, while glancing at the shape of my body reflected by the metal bottom of the pool, repeating the same movements slowly and regularly, I tried to give shape to my thoughts; I decided to trust myself and send that letter with an unspoken apology that I should have sent long time ago, which now has an added, more profound meaning. I decided that it could have been a good thing or a bad one, but that I woke up thinking about it and that, if the thought had not abandoned me for half a day, maybe it should not be ignored. That maybe I should just be brave and click on that send button. Which I did.

In the water, bubbling out the air from my lungs, I told myself that I am the one who should decide whether or not to think, feel, or do something. Which most of us probably learn when they are 10 or 12, I know, it is actually a quite banal thought. But only if you did not grow up with the unconscious mission of making people smile before thinking if you smiled too. With this desire to make others happy so that they´d give you happiness too, in the end. That´s how it works, right? Well, not really, not just.

In the water, stroke after stroke, things cleared, became liquid, and solid again. I am doing my lenghts and I have to realize that I endure more than I think.