one for the love, one for the faith

I saw your roommate tonight, I met him at a party where his solitude was looking for a companion. Like all our solitudes are. I saw your roommate, tonight, and my heart started pounding because immediately he dragged me to you, into your small messy room where, right now, you are sleeping in your broken bed, your daughter resting next to you on the mattress on the floor.  

There is no roommate without your shadow sticking on his back. There is no roommate saying that he knows what I am going through without you looking over his shoulder as a sneering ghost. There is only a tall blond German-Brazilian who unintentionally brings me back exactly to where I painfully walked away from, with a burden of sadness I am carrying with me every day. He brings me back to my lake of illusions and fake recollections, my infidel memories of you, where you were sensitive, difficult for sure, but where you cared for me. Yet that lake did not make it. It dried up, became an arid, sterile bed in which water and life have been cruelly burned by a merciless, careless sun.

There was never a you who loved me.

There was never a you who wanted to overcome the issues in your  life.
There was never a you who cared enough.

There was never a you who wanted to be with me, for real.

This is the icy river in which I had to swim, hard, fast, with all my left energy, as not to drown.

My river of delusion, bitter truth, badly put trust.

I wish I could see you again with my indulgent eyes, but you proved me too well how wrong I was.

I saw your roommate tonight and it made me shed two long, heavy tears, not one more.

One for the immense love I had for you which you murdered. 
One for my faith.